When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
