What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
