We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
