You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize