theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
