since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
