His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
