I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
