im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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