My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
