hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
