Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
