Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize