I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
