Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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