I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You ruined the universe
Randomize
