a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
