So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
