You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
