and i looked up. we had an audience...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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