There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize