You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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