Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
