Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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