Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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