Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
