I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
