What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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