I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
