A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize