I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
