Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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