I cockslap morals
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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