When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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