I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
