I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I could make wine with my vomit
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
