I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
