i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
