please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
