After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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