i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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