I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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