my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
