Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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