I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
