He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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