Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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