I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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