how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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