things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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