i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
