he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
