i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
