Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
