Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I want a musical about memes.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
