A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
