last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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