Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize