i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
