party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
