I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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