I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
My feet surprised me
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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